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Animal Crossing would undo the fabric of my being

I know it seems like I could join you on your island if only I bought Animal Crossing. But I promise you that that game would undo me.

I am a perfectionist, master-planner, and hyper-optimizer by nature. I need to know all the rules up-front so that I can perfectly schedule them together. Being dropped into a game without an exhaustive briefing of every possible action is enough to stress me out. I would have a full panic attack trying to decipher the mystic rituals y'all do to get a higher chance of a certain item appearing. I would have no choice but to spend days reading the entirety of its Wikia so that I could feel confident that I am making the most informed decision at every given moment.

I am a workaholic by upbringing. The game would be a full-time job to me, and I would have packed todo lists and calendars tracking my game chores. I would no longer be able to snooze my morning alarm without feeling guilted by my virtual crops.

I am goal-oriented to a fault, which is a trait that mixes horribly with my lack of patience. I would aggressively grind through the game, be motivated by my sense of progress, and then not know what to do with myself when the game expects me to wait for a real-life day to begin my next task. I'd be forced into time-travelling so that I could burn myself out in the most efficient way possible.

And yes, your house looks cute. Your outfits do too. I'm proud of you! However, I cannot spend time on a game merely "playing" it, I have to be working towards an objective defined for me. I only know how to optimize towards an expectation imposed upon me, not how to optimize for my own enjoyment.

I am working on all of these faults, but playing that game would be a deadly gauntlet of extreme exposure therapy rather than a fun distraction during this pandemic. Before you tell me for the fourth time to get Animal Crossing, please ask yourself whether you really want to inflict this pain upon me?